1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
