I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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