sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
cat food counts as protein by the way
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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