FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
