You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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