can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
