John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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