Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
