So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
