I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
