I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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