remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize