I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
