I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You are the jesus of drinking
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
