I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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