He uses pillows to masturbate.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
