laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There's always time for handjobs
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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