We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
