Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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