You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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