mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You pole danced in your parka.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
