are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize