Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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