woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
