Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
