The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
