Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
