Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sorry about my life...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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