dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
