If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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