I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Less talking, more tequila
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
