I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize