You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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