i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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