he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
