As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Couch. On fire.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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