It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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