Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
