My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
