the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
