I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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