The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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