why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
