I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Oh god it's open bar.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
