So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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