Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We don't watch enough power rangers
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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