we have officially lost it.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
