You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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