I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
