I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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