history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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