Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
