If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
