why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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