ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
