bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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