yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
