just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
