I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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