maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
only you would photoshop your dick
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
