I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
