so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
